Saturday, April 2, 2011

Brown Eyes

It is a good thing you have those brown eyes, Noli.  Those deep, brown, chesnut eyes are your life insurance.  They keep you alive.  Even after you have been up 8 times in a night, or screamed all day, or drawn blood from my neck from your razor sharp nails, those eyes remind me how much I love you.  When you look through your sisters baby books (yes, plural) and thumb through the many, many baby pictures of her and look at me with those beautiful brown eyes and ask "Where are mine?"  I will have to just put your little chubby hand on my heart and say "right here".   It is not that I loved you any less or cared any less or forgot.  It is that I was just too tired.  I was keeping you alive.  I was surviving.  I couldn't take a lot of pictures because I could barely keep my teeth brushed let alone find the camera or download pictures.  I couldn't fill in little cute things you did every single day because I could barely get the laundry clean and even then it mostly sat on my closet floor, not so much folded in the drawers.  I couldn't record every milestone because I still had your sister to entertain and a preschool class to plan and church calling to fulfill.  It isn't that I didn't want to.  It is just that I couldn't.  But I still love you.  Oh how I love you.  I need only to look into those (mostly watering from tears) big, brown eyes to remember how much I love you.
Here are a few milestones to remember while I have a few minutes while you are in bed.  I am sure I will get to see those brown eyes again in an hour or so, but until then, here are a few things I remember from the last few months.

You are now 9 and 1/2  months old.
Over the past 9 months your AVERAGE wakes during the night were 5-6.
You have slept through the night one time.  It was last week.  I woke up 4 times.
You got your first tooth at 7 and 1/2 months.  You are a pretty crabby baby.  When you teeth, you are terrible.  You are teething now.  I still love you.
You got your second tooth at 9 months.
You crawled at 8 months.
You stood up at 8 and 1/2 months.
You can now walk around furniture and sit down from standing.
You can say mama, dada, baba, buhbuh.  Lily is done waiting for you to say her name and has decided that when you say baba that means sister and when you say buhbuh that means Lily.  I think she is right.
You had your first infection last week.  You are still a little sick.  I got it.  I am still very sick.  I still love you.
You are in the 85th percentile for height and 65th for weight.  You have slimmed down a bit since becomming mobile.  Doctor said that is normal and good.
You have a red birth mark at the back of your neck.  It gets brighter when you get mad.  It is bright a lot. I still love you.
You are busy.  You are destructive.  You are smart.  You are cute, chubby and kissable.  I love your smile so much and your laugh even more.  I wish I saw your smile more last week but I know you didn't feel well.  I wish you never had to be sick.  I wish I didn't need as much sleep as I do.  I wish you needed more.  I wish I was a better mother.  I wish I had more time.  I wish I was a better user of the time I have.  I wish I knew what you were thinking.  I wish you could know how much I love you.  Even when I am tired.  Even when I have to put you in your crib for a minute screaming.  Even when I am crying, too.  Even when I threaten to sell you to the first person with a crisp dollar bill (kidding).  Even when I think I can't survive one more night, one more day, one more minute.  You still have those brown eyes, and I still love you.


Erin said...

And she will know - oh how she will know! One day she will be a mother. She will most likely have the same passion she has now, except more because she will know what to do with it. And she will know as she looks at her own children how much her own mother loved her. And if not, we who know and love you will remind her.

Luv yer stinkin' guts!

Erin said...

Oh, and I just now figured out it was you who commented on my blog through a different site about the "Sun" photos!

The picture was taken while snowshoeing at Cedar Breaks in 2009. It's Laura Griffiths and her now husband (not even boyfriend yet at the time).

Adamo said...

Oh, Meg. I wish I could say it as nicely as Erin did. so a simple "ditto" will have to suffice. But I love you just for writing it the way you did. And she will get it too, someday.

Nikki S said...

Don't ever sell yourself short. You are a WONDERFUL mother. Eric works with moms who give up after so much less, who don't have that love you do. We had trials with Ethan, but not like you have had. You are amazing! Those are 2 lucky little ladies and don't YOU forget it! I wish I was closer and could take the preschool class for you. If there is anything I can do from the middle of nowhere let me know. Love you!

April and Jared Fenn said...

Thank you for being so real and sharing your thoughts- it gives me the courage to keep going everyday. We might have different struggles but the fact that YOU can keep going gives ME the strength to know that I can do it too. You have such a beautiful family and I am so thankful you guys moved into our ward. We love you all so much!

Thank you for being you and loving my Logan despite his little attitude he can throw around. ;)

Tami said...

It's times like this that we ponder the sacrifices of our own mothers... my mother had a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old when I showed up. Sleep deprivation, tears, and piles of laundry... hugs to you, Megan, and to all the mothers who are getting by one hour at a time and dreaming of running errands by themselves or using the bathroom for just a few minutes without fingers poking under the door and hearing cries for help with _______ (whatever)!!

utahutes01 said...

Oh, my sweet Meg. How my heart aches for you. I know that sleep deprivation torture! And I truly mean torture! You are amazing, you will make it and I will be bringing dinner and some hand-me-downs this week. what is a good day? Love you!

Heidi #1 said...

I am so glad that someone else is up burning the midnight oil with me. Next time you are up with Noli look up in the sky and you can probably see my light is on with Josh at our house. Babies are so adorable, but so hard. Let's all 4 cry together...tonight at 2:30. It's a date.