Saturday, April 2, 2011

Brown Eyes

It is a good thing you have those brown eyes, Noli.  Those deep, brown, chesnut eyes are your life insurance.  They keep you alive.  Even after you have been up 8 times in a night, or screamed all day, or drawn blood from my neck from your razor sharp nails, those eyes remind me how much I love you.  When you look through your sisters baby books (yes, plural) and thumb through the many, many baby pictures of her and look at me with those beautiful brown eyes and ask "Where are mine?"  I will have to just put your little chubby hand on my heart and say "right here".   It is not that I loved you any less or cared any less or forgot.  It is that I was just too tired.  I was keeping you alive.  I was surviving.  I couldn't take a lot of pictures because I could barely keep my teeth brushed let alone find the camera or download pictures.  I couldn't fill in little cute things you did every single day because I could barely get the laundry clean and even then it mostly sat on my closet floor, not so much folded in the drawers.  I couldn't record every milestone because I still had your sister to entertain and a preschool class to plan and church calling to fulfill.  It isn't that I didn't want to.  It is just that I couldn't.  But I still love you.  Oh how I love you.  I need only to look into those (mostly watering from tears) big, brown eyes to remember how much I love you.
Here are a few milestones to remember while I have a few minutes while you are in bed.  I am sure I will get to see those brown eyes again in an hour or so, but until then, here are a few things I remember from the last few months.

You are now 9 and 1/2  months old.
Over the past 9 months your AVERAGE wakes during the night were 5-6.
You have slept through the night one time.  It was last week.  I woke up 4 times.
You got your first tooth at 7 and 1/2 months.  You are a pretty crabby baby.  When you teeth, you are terrible.  You are teething now.  I still love you.
You got your second tooth at 9 months.
You crawled at 8 months.
You stood up at 8 and 1/2 months.
You can now walk around furniture and sit down from standing.
You can say mama, dada, baba, buhbuh.  Lily is done waiting for you to say her name and has decided that when you say baba that means sister and when you say buhbuh that means Lily.  I think she is right.
You had your first infection last week.  You are still a little sick.  I got it.  I am still very sick.  I still love you.
You are in the 85th percentile for height and 65th for weight.  You have slimmed down a bit since becomming mobile.  Doctor said that is normal and good.
You have a red birth mark at the back of your neck.  It gets brighter when you get mad.  It is bright a lot. I still love you.
You are busy.  You are destructive.  You are smart.  You are cute, chubby and kissable.  I love your smile so much and your laugh even more.  I wish I saw your smile more last week but I know you didn't feel well.  I wish you never had to be sick.  I wish I didn't need as much sleep as I do.  I wish you needed more.  I wish I was a better mother.  I wish I had more time.  I wish I was a better user of the time I have.  I wish I knew what you were thinking.  I wish you could know how much I love you.  Even when I am tired.  Even when I have to put you in your crib for a minute screaming.  Even when I am crying, too.  Even when I threaten to sell you to the first person with a crisp dollar bill (kidding).  Even when I think I can't survive one more night, one more day, one more minute.  You still have those brown eyes, and I still love you.